I Scream, You Scream....We all scream for ice cream!!!

Last weekend was wonderful.  I had family come in for a visit and I was already feeling tempted and weary before they even got there and wanting some food!  I felt God's presence with me every step of the way and maneuvered around Krispy Kreme donuts, Reeses, Chips and Salsa, and a really wonderful looking margarita.  And that was only on Friday.

Saturday, we went to the zoo and it was so hot and I wanted some ice cream dots so very much, but refrained.  The kids wanted ice cream, so on the way home, I stopped and got Blue Bell.....and the kids ate one of my faves:  pizza.  Afterwards, I scooped some cookies and cream (one of my faves....why did I buy that again?) for the kids and my husband and refrained by God's grace.  It was so hot, I wanted a wonderfully sugary drink from Sonic Drive-In, but had iced unsweet tea instead.  All this time, I felt God empowering me, while showing me that it was going to be a battle sometimes every minute of every day.

While I got the kids ready for bed, I was so relieved when the temptation seemed to lift and I felt an overwhelming relief and sense of peace.  I felt that God wanted me to eat an ice cream cone once the kids were in bed......and I am not making this up.  At first, I was like, "No way!  I've come this far and I am not going to do that now....what if I stop losing weight."  And I just felt that God was saying to my heart that this is not about my weight or the scale, but about trusting in Him and realizing that I can enjoy a blessing such as ice cream every now and then.  I also felt that I had put too much focus on the weight and not on my heart belonging solely to Christ. 

I was very excited and enjoyed a normal sized portion of ice cream on top of a cone and felt the LORD smiling upon me.  It was wonderful to feel his presence and to see what He was trying to show me and the ice cream was great....I did however, as a child would do....try to see if I could take it further and asked if I could also have a piece of pizza.  To which, I felt a firm, but loving, "NO" answer.  But hey, I had to ask, right?

The next day a trip to the mall was another battle all over again with all kinds of foods that are treats that I would normally indulge in since i rarely go to the mall, but by God's grace alone, I did not.  I learned that as I walked through the heat of the zoo, the wonderful aromas of the foods in the mall, that my head will try to rationalize eating  this or that and I have to constantly give it over to God, who is faithful to show me the way, if I will just abide and listen.  I am so grateful for that.

Surrender

 Hebrews 2:18

"For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

I have not blogged in a few days b/c of busy-ness and the earthquake and tsunami in Japan absolutely broke my heart and I am just heartbroken about what is happening there.  I have loved ones there and thankfully, they are safe, but it breaks my heart for those that are not safe and for those who have lost their loved ones and have lost everything.  My prayers are with them all.

God impressed upon me to give up my two favorite food idols:  bread (including crackers, chips, etc.) and sugar starting last Wednesday (Ash Wednesday) and ending on Easter.  I think I accidentally said Good Friday in a previous blog, but I meant Easter.  Anyway, since last Wednesday (6 days), I have already lost 4 pounds.  It was just the encouragement I needed and I felt God reveal to me that me surrendering this part of my life instead of white-knuckling it, so to speak, is all the difference in the world.  I have not even attempted to exercise yet and I have never in my life lost weight without exercising.

I have not cheated at all, but I did have 2 grace moments the last few days.  One, was when I ordered a side salad, I forgot to ask them to take off the crutons and I was about to pick them all out when I felt the LORD smiling down on me and I felt as if I was supposed to eat them.  I thought that since He is twisting my arm, so to speak, I would eat them...so I did and had absolutely no guilt!   Today at a restaurant I ordered a salad and it had tortilla chips on them....I misread the menu.  But they were very few and I picked out what I could, but they were like crumpled in there so I had a few of those.  But I did not eat the chips and salsa and I live in Texas and could eat chips and salsa every meal.....it is one of my all-time faves!

I am just amazed at how by merely surrendering and doing what God wants instead of me trying to do this or that, I have been able to do this.  And I am not being a slave to food either way, whether it be by me obsessing and lusting over food or obsessing and denying myself and failing.  I have been very tempted at times and the LORD has been so gracious to me.

I had some ugly moments on Friday and Saturday (my favorite food days of the week) and my husband showed me such grace b/c I was taking out all my frustrations and stress on him....and I wanted some chocolate, but knew I couldn't have it!  God gave me this verse in my reading after my ugly display:

Psalm 32:1

"Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered."

 

Thank you, LORD, that I am forgiven and this is not up to me.

Want Bread or Bread of Life?

Psalm 27:35 (ESV)

"I have been young, and now am old,
yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
or his children begging for bread."

This Scripture was seriously in my daily reading today.  It jumped out at me for two reasons:  1.)  My signature is "Not forsaken," to remind me that no matter what, God will not forsake me and this verse confirms that truth; and 2.)  It has my favorite food group in the verse:  BREAD!  

It's only Day 2 and I am seriously craving some sort of bread or even a tortilla chip, but I have refrained with the LORD's strength.  Last night (Wed night), I weighed myself for the first time in a long time and also did measurements.....I am seriously 2 people and I was horrified at the numbers.  It's one thing to know you are fat and a totally different reality to actually know the numbers.  I wrote the numbers down in my notebook that I am documenting what I eat, my thoughts, etc.  Every time I had a craving that just would not subside, I looked at those numbers and it disturbed me enough to lose my appetite.

Jesus referred to Himself as the Bread of life....we cannot do life without Him, without surrendering daily (sometimes  over and over again in one day) to Him.  I feel like I cannot live without bread and the truth is, I cannot live without the Living Bread....the bread that gives life, not the one that I set up as an idol and lust after.  I am thankful that even though it has only been 2 days, I have been faithful with God's help.  However, I must confess that a part of me is looking forward to church Sunday for that sorry little pinch of bread dipped in grape juice just so I can have a small taste of bread.  Don't get me wrong I love church, and LOVE God's Word, but my heart leapt with a crazy joy that I get a little tiny bite of bread every Sunday with communion.  Yes, I am THAT desperate for bread.....so very sick, which brings me to this reminder:

Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick;

who can understand it?"

Ash Wednesday

Psalm 130:3-4

 "If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
 But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared."

 

I am not Catholic, but today (Wednesday) is the day the LORD laid on my heart to get real about how I am worshiping food and how it has become my idol.  He is forcing me, lovingly, yet firmly, to realize how this addiction, this sin has such a strong hold on me.  It is something He has been showing me for a while and I kept listening and telling myself to get around to doing something about it, and yet would do nothing.....or would start to do something and when obstacles got in the way, quit doing, but kept listening.

 

I realized I need to stop focusing on "doing" and just merely "listening" and actually do some surrendering. In panic that I was going to have to lay down the foods I worship the most (breads/chips/crackers, and all desserts) for Lent, I sent my beloved husband on a run to a fast food Mexican restaurant, as if I was going to the electric chair and would never have the opportunity to eat Mexican food again.  I ate way more than I should have, especially since a few hours earlier I had already had dinner, and felt not only gross and miserable, but also lots of shame that I was in such a pathetic state.  I'm not as dependent on Christ as I once thought and that is about to change.

Father,

I need you.  Forgive me for running to food instead of running to Jesus.  No bread, chip, cracker, or dessert til Good Friday is what You have laid on my heart.  I am laying food at your alter, at your feet, LORD.  Forgive me for worshiping and loving IT mroe than I love you at times.  May I worship only You, my Creator, and no other created thing, in Jesus' name.